The Truth About Heaven
by explosionsintheskyxx
Summary: Sirius' and Remus' feelings and memories now that Sirius is no longer with Remus on Earth. It's about what Heaven truly is and how we find strength to keep going when our reason to live is lost. PostOoTP, SBRL. Completed.
1. Raining In Heaven

I don't own anything Harry Potter related. So this may be a oneshot, and it may not. If I feel inspired by reviews, or just plain inspired I may write a second chapter about what Remus Lupin is feeling. So anyways, this is just something that happened off the top of my head at 3 in the morning when I was feeling angsty. Please read and review.

**Chapter 1: Raining In Heaven**

I'm so sorry.

No one alive or dead can possibly know how sorry I am that I had to leave you… but I couldn't help it. I guess it was my time. But that doesn't make it any easier.

I've watched you for weeks now. I've watched from above as you cried by yourself for hours over my death. I've watched you drink yourself nearly to death. I've watched you curl up on our bed for hours, just staring straight ahead of you, without any emotion.

It's almost too much for me to bear. I want to scream at you, shake you, tell you that you're not the only one that's hurting. I want to enclose you in my arms, and feel your warmth against my body. I want to look into those brown eyes again, and see nothing but love staring back at me.

That was what always amazed me about you from the moment I met you. You've had every aspect of yourself under control. You were a werewolf, a beast of the moon, and yet you were the calmest person I've ever met. Perhaps that's what attracted me to you in the first place. You were collected, and charming, and kind… everything that I wasn't. You were my other half. It seemed as though you could handle anything with ease. But every time I looked into your eyes… I could tell what you were really feeling. They hid nothing from me. Fear, anger, sadness, happiness, love, hate… it was all there, in your amber eyes.

I want to kiss your elegant lips again, and feel the passion of our love like we used too. The way we kissed- it used to overwhelm me. I would find myself asking if it was real, or if it was only fantasy. I wondered if you were just a figment of my imagination. Did I just make you up to appease my insatiable loneliness, or boost my ego as to think I could have someone so divine?

And as if he could read my mind, you ran your fingers through my tangled hair, and murmured in my ear, "I love you Sirius. I will never leave you."

I smiled, and traced my finger across your jaw line, and up to your cheek. I held your flushed cheek in my palm and gently brushed my lips upon them. I was reassured that you were real, and what we had was real. And I responded, "I love you too, Remus. And I promise I will never leave you. Ever."

You never left me, just like you said. Sweet, trusting Remus… but I left you. And the guilt of that tears endless holes in my heart. It doesn't matter that I didn't intentionally leave you. The fact is, I did. I left you in a cold, depraved world, all alone. You were always a frail and delicate person, I was always there to protect you. And now, I can't even feel your warmth against my skin anymore.

I can't feel anything but cold. It's almost like being back in Azkaban, except worse because I know I can't escape and come back to you. All day and night here, it rains. It never stops. I don't know whether this is hell or heaven, or someplace different. I haven't found Lily or James. I haven't even tried looking. All my time is spent torturing myself because I can't be there for the only person I lived for.

I would do anything just for one more chance to speak to you. To hold you, and kiss you, and tell you how miserable I am up here without you. I want to assure you that I'll wait for you. I'll wait for you forever, however long that is. I don't want you to despair like this. I want you to enjoy the rest of the years that you have in front of you. I want to see that shy smile that I love so much grace your lips.

I don't want you to suffer anymore Remus. Can't you see, I'd take that pain away from you in a second, and keep it as my own? I'd suffer any amount of pain for you. I only wish I could. I am stuck with my own pain, which is worsened by watching you sob for hours, alone.

I just don't want you to think that I'm selfish because I'm up here in this place, without you. I don't want you to think I just left you there to rot on Earth. If you only knew what it's like up here, Remus, seeing you, watching you, but not being able to ease your pain, or help you at all. All I do is cry and watch you. The rain washes the saline from my cheeks, and I'm not even sure of which or tears or which or raindrops. My heart breaks every time I see you alone, all the passion gone from your heart. You've affected me so much that you cause heartbreak, even when my heart has ceased beating.

I'd give up forever just to feel your cheek against mine once again. I want to let you know that I'll never let our passion and love die.

The biggest lie is when they say that it's better when you leave everything behind in death. I want to tell you that also, Remus. I'm so much more miserable now that I'm up here in this place, rather than down on that despairing planet with you.

Heaven isn't a possibility for me. How could I experience something better than my moments with you, Remus? My heaven was with you. Heaven isn't a place that you go to when you die. Heaven for me was the moments when your lips breathed life into mine with a simple kiss. Heaven was feeling your fingers intertwined in mine. Heaven was feeling your hot breath upon my neck on those nights when we both couldn't sleep.

You are my heaven. And you always will be.

I'm still up here, still marveling at your beauty. I'll never forget you. I'll love you, always.

I just wish you knew how it rains all day up here without you.


	2. Infinite

So here's the second chapter of this story. I'm sorry if you guys don't like it, but review and tell me what you think. As you can probably tell, I wrote this when I wasn't too happy... This is Remus' point of view of Sirius' death. It's a lot longer nad more involved. Please review.

Thank you Captain Oz, Slashykitty, miranda, Lycana, and She-Pirate for the reviews. You guys are fabulous.

**"And love just like blood will always stain"  
- Tilly and the Wall "Fell Down the Stairs"**

**Chapter 2: Infinite **

I swallowed down another gulp of the firewhiskey I was holding. It burned as it went down. I was never much of a drinker, but now I relish in the blistering feeling in my throat that occurs when I drink. I find solace in the way my vision slides in and out of focus, and the way my mind wanders.

I reluctantly got to my feet and swayed a bit. I grabbed onto the wooden table for support, and steadied myself. I then trudged forward into the hall and up the staircase of Number 12, Grimmauld Place. I walked, swaying about, occasionally bumping into the wall, and even slipping on a stair, but somehow made it to the top landing. I walked down the hallway to the right, and turned to the third door.

I opened it to see a bare room, containing only a bed, and a dresser. One candle was lit upon the dresser. I collapsed into the bed, as I no longer had the strength to stand. I pulled my knees up to my chest, my breath coming out in harsh, uncontrollable gasps. The familiar warm tears made their way down my cheeks, and I couldn't ignore the hammering in my ears.

I clutched the sheets around myself, pulling them closer to my shivering body. We used to share this bed, these sheets. I still sleep here every night, hoping that I could feel some of your warmth on these sheets. I need something to warm the bleak insides of my body that the firewhiskey cannot reach. I've felt cold ever since you left me through that ominous veil.

Nothing could ever compare to the warmth of your body held close to me when the sky turned black. On those nights I never contemplated death. It never passed my mind. When I had you, life was infinite. I looked into your eyes, and I saw nothing but fairytale endings. I was a fool. Everything has an end, every single thing on this godforsaken planet. I just thought that we had more time together…

I closed my eyes tight and tried to force the images that have been taunting me for weeks out of my head. Since your death, my mind has been agonizing, replaying the scenes of your end in my head. I use all my strength to try to stop them, but to no avail.

The visions are still awake in my mind. Every time I picture them, I relive those horrible moments again. My breathing becomes ragged and pained just like it was on that fateful night when we were battling the Death Eaters. My whole body tenses as I remember when I looked up and saw you standing on that dais. You were laughing, taunting, reveling in your moment of triumph and freedom. Then, there was a flash of crimson light that seemed to engulf you and burn it's way into my very soul. The light vanished, and you were falling. You were falling away from everything, falling away from me. Your eyes were widened in shock as they found mine.

As you fell, your body arched gracefully, I could feel the pieces of my life and world falling with you. Your arms were outstretched, like you wanted me to come and save you. But I couldn't save you this time.

And finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, you fell through the shimmering veil, disappearing forever. In that moment, I couldn't breathe. It felt as though my body had stopped functioning, like it knew on it's own that I simply could not go on living without you.

I just stood there, rooted to the spot. I wanted to run to the veil, see if you had come out the other side, and pull you back towards me. But I didn't. Running to you would only confirm my worst fear. In standing there, I was refused to accept the inevitable- that you had really left me forever.

All of a sudden, Harry darted in front of me, running towards the dais. I grabbed him around the middle, and held him to me. He was wailing and I was screaming, and I still don't know what I was screaming at him, but I was using up all my energy, holding onto the wriggling boy.

Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I held onto Harry's frame. I needed to hold onto something that was tangible, something that could help me decipher if it was just a horrible nightmare, or if you were really gone from me. I felt as though if I let him go, I would fall away from everything, just like you did, into nothing.

Harry was screaming at me, screaming that you were still there, as disbelieving as I in my own mind. I screamed back at him, telling him that you were dead, and gone. I was trying so hard to get him to understand that you were never coming back, even if I couldn't grasp that idea fully. If I could convince Harry, I could convince myself. If I heard myself yell it enough, heard it from my very own lips, then I could accept it as true. I was trying to scream myself into submission and get my tired brain to understand the impossible.

I dragged Harry backwards from the dais, telling him there was nothing he could do, telling myself as much as him. And then, he tore out of my grasp and ran for Bellatrix Lestrange. I wanted to hurt her also. I wanted to make her pay, and feel the anguish that I was experiencing. But I just didn't have the energy. I could scarcely breathe.

I turned and looked back at the veil. It's still so very clear in my mind. I feel like I can reach out and almost touch it. It lay still and silent, oblivious to the chaos that was occurring around it. How could something so innocent looking, take from me the only thing worth taking?

I found myself walking back over to it, heaving for air. I scrambled up onto the dais, feeling as though I might faint. As I stood there, I strained my ears against the cries of pain and determination coming from the battle around me.

I could hear voices from beyond the veil. I stressed my tired senses, trying to hear your deep voice, your boisterous laugh, anything from you at all. I heard nothing. I wavered slightly on the dais, feeling sick to stomach. I turned away from the veil wanting nothing more than to collapse right there, and sob until my own demise.

Then, as quickly as a brief gust of wind, I heard your voice, barely above a whisper.

"I love you."

I wheeled around, almost losing my balance in the process. I was crying harder than ever now, and my heart was beating four times faster than usual. Nothing was there but the veil, as lifeless as ever.

"Sirius?" I whispered, barely able to say anything at all. No answer came.

And that's when I knew for sure. You would never return to me, ever again. I can still remember exactly what it felt like. Since you've been gone, I've experienced the sensation often. The rise and fall of my chest seems to go into an abrupt arrest, and the only thing that helps me breathe again is imagining your lips upon mine again. My body goes limp, and I fall to the floor in a heap of lost hope and tears.

The whole essence of my purpose in life is gone. How can I live on when my Sirius was dead? How could you leave me here like this? I'm here pining over stolen love, and you're in Heaven. Your troubles and hardships are over. I suppose I should feel happy for you, but I can't gather up any feelings inside of me except depression, guilt and fear.

I feel so ashamed that I feel anger at you for "leaving" me here. I know you didn't mean too, and it wasn't your fault. It's still something I can't fully understand, and I don't want to understand. I dread the day when I walk into our bedroom and don't expect you to be there, waiting for me. It will mean that I've forgotten you. I would rather cry myself to sleep every night for the rest of my life than forget about you.

Guilt tears at me every waking moment of my life. I wrack my brain, thinking of ways I could've prevented your death, ways I could've saved you. The night we went to the Ministry, I told you to stay where you were, told you that you were safe at Headquarters. Of course you couldn't stay there, you needed to save Harry. You needed to receive vindication from James and Lily for their deaths by saving Harry's life. You knew James would never blame you… but the guilt was with you every day of your life. Now I know how you felt.

I still recall a particular night when I was awakened by your sobbing in the middle of the night. I pulled you in close to me, and kissed the tears from your face. You muttered something about how James and Lily would still be alive if you stayed as their secret-keeper. I shushed you, and brushed your dark locks away from your face.

"Sirius Black," I whispered as I concentrated on your dark eyes, "James and Lily loved you dearly. I can promise you that could never change. Never you mind these thoughts," and I leaned in to kiss your soft lips. "I can also promise you that my love for you will never die. Even after my tired heart has stopped beating," I whispered as I brushed a solitary tear from your cheek with my thumb. I ran my hand over the wrinkles in your handsome face. When you were young, you only wanted to have fun, and it seemed like nothing would stop you. You coaxed me out of my shell, and you showed me that it was okay for me to have fun. You showed me it was okay to let people get close and to trust, and that I didn't have to live like an outcast, like a beast for my whole life. You showed me how to love, and what the word meant. It was so strange to me to see you age, to see responsibility, guilt, and fear wear you down.

You smiled a weak and vulnerable smile, something that you would never show anyone else but me. You kissed me again, deeply and passionately. I tangled my fingers into the back of your hair as I felt your hand on the small of my back. I can still remember exactly how your hair felt, and I can still remember the way your tongue snaked into my mouth, caressing my own.

I broke our kiss, and just looked at your face, bewildered that something so wonderful was mine. Then I kissed you again on the cheek and whispered, "When you sleep your tears and cares are carried away."

You smiled coyly and replied, "That's because you grace my dreams every night." Then you settled your head into a nook between my head and shoulder, and promptly fell into an undisturbed sleep.

I laid there, hours after you fell asleep, breathing in your scent. I marveled at how the moonlight from the window managed to grace your body to make it look as though you were an angelic vision. I want more than anything to be back in that exact moment. In the moment where everything made sense to me, and the world was perfect. It didn't matter that everyone's lives were in danger. It didn't matter that I was a werewolf. It didn't matter that you were a convicted criminal on the run.

We were just two people in love, nothing more, and nothing less, no cares, no worries. You were all that really mattered to me. The only thing that mattered was that I felt I could kiss your tears away forever, and I could feel your skin against mine. The only thing that mattered was that we were both happy. That's what everyone strives for in life, happiness and love. I felt like the most fortunate person in the world to have both, embodied in the most perfect person.

But you were ripped from me so suddenly, so violently. I don't just weep because I no longer have you here to kiss me, but because I still remember what it felt like to kiss you. I can still taste you. And even though it pains me to constantly taste you and not be able to touch you, it will never leave me. You've left a permanent stain on me, and everything that I do.

I meant the promise that I whispered to you that night. I've never been so serious about anything in my life. Every time you kissed me, held me to you, or whispered lovers' promises in my ear, you lit a fire inside of my heart, my soul. The fire is barely there now that you're gone. A few embers remain, but I'm determined to keep those alight. You may have died in body, but you'll never die from within my heart and soul.

And in that way, we'll always be infinite after all, won't we?

I don't know if the voice I heard from beyond the veil was real, or if my despairing mind imagined it. But I know that I didn't need to hear it to know that what it whispered in my ear was true. The love and connection that we shared while you were still with me was real. It still is real, living inside of me, as if it's a breathing thing. Although I'm miserable without you, and my heart is broken beyond repair… the fact that we still share a passionate and honest love will have to be enough until we meet again.

In Heaven.


End file.
